I’ve been laying around mostly like I’m doing Robin Williams’ impression of a hot dog. I’ve had quite a lot of time to reflect on the last 3 years being some of the hardest for me. No wonder my body is forcing me to rest with HFMD, I was long due for a vacation and rest. Of course something tropical would have been preferred instead of contagious, bubbling blisters on my hands and feet but I do have to say I’ve been sleeping better during this illness than I have in the last three years.
If I could sum up those years with titles they would be as follows:
2016: The Year of Many Heartbreaks
2017: The Year of Me Building Up My Strength
2018: The Year of Self Care
So as for the upcoming 2019, I’m looking at it as : The Year I Rise Up From The Ashes and Kick Some Ass. Or perhaps more appropriately in my case, dead skin flakes. (We’re in the skin peeling phase of the illness, gross! )
Life is tough and not always chipper and sunshine. I know I come off most of the time as being the sunshine girl and very optimistic. Which of course I am but I am also human and know that when the struggles are real, boy can they be real. Could I get some fake struggles here for once? I don’t even know what they would be…
I’m also so grateful for the amazing friends and family in my life. I’m truly so blessed with so many that truly care about me. Being this sick has really given me a reminder of this and I’m so grateful. You want to see who really cares about you, get hand, foot and mouth disease. Then see who reaches out to you and who cowers away.
I am also grateful to be reminded that even though the first two days of having HFMD for me were full of burning, excruciating pain. Seriously I’ve never experienced anything like it and I have a decent tolerance of pain. This though was like fire from under the skin and Tylenol nor any other pain killer could help. I knew then through it all that this is going to pass and go away with healing. Just like that year of heartbreaks. When I felt like sadness and events of sadness were constantly happening to me one by one. Like a domino effect, stack after stack just knocking down. It threw me into quite a depression quite honestly. I pulled myself out of it with time and healing. I’m certainly better today than I was almost 3 years ago. There are other people all over the world suffering far worse illnesses and losses. I swear that one year I worked at the Children’s Hospital as a volunteer in the 6th floor play room changed my perspective on life forever. I still will reflect on the precious little lives I saw in their fighting battles with cancer, some on life support relying on a machine to help them take a normal breath and other terminal illnesses that I know I wouldn’t be nearly as strong to fight. There are kids who have never known a world outside of that hospital since the day they were born.
Now I’m not down playing when I am sad or sick I shouldn’t feel those feelings of the time. I mean I’m pretty bummed this year my Christmas will have to be spent in quarantine in my small studio apartment. Away from human life. Thank God for my two cats and turtle. Oh my cats, let me talk about how those two have snuggled up to me without a care that I look like some kind of chewed up piece of meat. They also don’t care about my germs although they don’t like when I spray myself with calamine lotion. They just know when I am not well and take shifts snuggling up to me. Animals seriously are the best. Otherwise without them, I really would be getting cabin fever. It’s like my friend Christin said it best, “You’re like a Disney Princess in your own little cottage. ” Well there are some days I feel like a Princess locked up in her tower. It’s okay though, I’m giving myself apartment cleaning assignments here and there. In anticipation for the big sanitization I’m going to have to give this place when it’s all over. I’m tired thinking about all the laundry that lies ahead for me. I’ve also had time to watch many great shows and movies. Check out Bird Box on Netflix. Damn, Sandra Bullock you made me clutch blankets worrying for you every time you removed that blindfold!
I’m also so grateful for my sense of humor. That has helped me get through this thing by making fun of it. I compared myself to Robert the Leper from Braveheart meets some kind of reptilian woman. That’s just a fact of how I felt and looked. I didn’t mention the entire swarm of blisters that bubbled on the back of my head did I? That’s when I started to feel like a reptile. Also I was eating pizza one night and looked down and seriously my hands camouflaged with the pepperoni and cheese. I had to proceed this one with caution as I went for my next bite.
I guess the point of this blog is to share a little snippet of the thoughts I’ve had lately from this illness. I have cried a few times during this but I also have had moments of laughter. Seeing myself struggle to open a pill bottle or even a bottle of ginger ale made me laugh for some reason. Or the time I couldn’t pull my pajama pants up from the pain in my hands. Wait that one wasn’t so funny actually. Oh and the drugs I’m on for this illness are fantastic. I have so many entries on my dream journal to catch up on after this I can’t even tell you. Perhaps another blog. They have been trippy and full of cameos of people in my life that are so random. Don’t take your health for granted. Always put self care first. I truly believe that has been my lesson from my illness. So 2019 I’m coming to kick your ass with fresh shed skin.