The Ones Who Dream

Now that the Oscars are behind us and La La Land took home quite a few winnings, Best Picture not included. This blog is not about that snafu moment but wow that was crazy, am I right? Anyways, I’ve been wanting to touch on this movie and what it meant to me when I saw it. I’ve stayed silent as I’ve seen many of my acting  and film maker friends harp on whether they thought it was a unique artistic film, a love letter to Los Angeles and the creatives who chase their dreams or if it was absolutely loathed by the musical theatre proficients or people who think there’s not enough accuracy of how it is pursuing a career in show business and they refuse to like it.

I loved it for it’s beauty, telling of a story of two people intertwined in their lives as a Jazz muscian and an actress who can’t catch a break. I loved the musical numbers. I’m not a child of musical theatre by any means. I most certainly enjoy them and consider myself a fan. When it comes to the skills myself. I am a mediocre, alto singer and can keep a tune…most of the time and if I work extra hard I can keep up on the dance moves but it tends to take me longer than most everyone else. I know this because I went to a college who’s theatre department was favoring to musical theatre shows and BFA students and I was a silly theatre BA trying to find her place in shows. Which if there wasn’t a straight play to be in, I was in the chorus or ensemble of the musicals. So therefore I appreciated the movies musical numbers and I loved the escapism. Honestly so many movies are wonderful escapism into another world, someone’s life or point of view. Even if you related to their circumstances or their feelings in the situations they go through. Sometimes I think people expect too much perfection in a film when a film can be just as amazing for it’s imperfections.

What hit me the hardest in this film, was relating to Emma Stone’s character Mia. The struggles she was going through working her survival job, rushing off to auditions and just trying to deal with the constant rejections day after day. Closed door after closed door. The feeling of hope and the let down of it not working out constantly. The dissapointments are what I live with every day. I’m going through my own struggles with that and it can be quite painful. It’s enough for anyone to go absolutely nuts and sometimes I think I am to continue going through it but yet the dream and passion keeps me going after it.  Some have said the movie didn’t have her going through struggles enough or showcase the sexism, ageism and constant other paradoxes thrown at us on top of it all. I can see that point of view, absolutely, but I also think they showed how hard it is especially in the length of time of the film. I got it, I felt a piece of my life was being displayed on screen.

The scene that hit home for me (slight spoiler alert) was the moment  Emma’s character was leaving a call back audition that didn’t go so well and she was cut off by the casting director. She walks out into the waiting room full of other red head actresses who looked just like her and getting in an elevator with two red heads on each of her side and the lack of individuality and isolation that scene portrayed her character feeling. This particular scene I have lived several times in my life. I can remember an audition I went to and sat town surrounded by actresses who looked exactly like me, same hairstyle and color. It’s a very strange, humbling experience. You go around your day to day life embracing your individual style, your uniqueness. I definitely still feel like I’m very unique in my personality but experiences like this can be an odd surreal experience. So that scene really resonated with me.

Therefore of course I was routing for Mia. I also am a big Emma Stone fan, I enjoy everything she’s in and enjoyed this performance. Her and Ryan Gosling have great screen chemistry as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks did. They make a great pair on film. I enjoyed Ryan Gosling, although I’m pretty sure I dated that guy at some point in my twenties and it didn’t end well for me. None the less his performance was amazing as well. He’s just so fantastic!

This blog has started to feel like a movie review, which is not my intention so let’s get back on track with what this movie meant to me. L.A. is a city that is both incredible and bursting with culture and amazement. It can be a lonely city even though it is so heavily populated. A place of dreams and hard workers. It can also be hardship after hardship. It’s incredible to be here and it really is what you make of it. I recently was talking to a friend about how nice it is to not have roommates, well you know except my two cats and a turtle. But it’s nice to have my own little studio apartment, a space to call my own. She agreed since she lives in her own apartment as well. She said, “Sometimes you need your place where if you need to, you can just cry, create, and just be.” I totally agree, any time I ever lived with other people I felt like  I censored myself of my true emotions. Strange, perhaps that’s the introvert part of me. Anyways L.A. can be this all big, consuming city and when you need that safe haven to come home to it’s nice to have it there.

I think I will end this post with some of the lyrics from one of the songs Mia sings in the movie called, “The Audition.” I think it speaks for who I aimed this blog towards.

Here’s to the ones who dream

Foolish as they may seem.

Here’s to the hearts that ache.

Here’s to the mess we make.

Autonomy

I’ve been away from writing blogs for a couple of months because I’ve been going through a lot of tough things. I was even hesitant to come back to my blog until my life was less crazy and sad but then I thought that’s not life. Life is all about many things we experience. Not all of it is always positive and full of birds, flowers and snuggly bumble bees. Heartbreak, death, loss, struggle, sadness, and so forth happens. Which is what this blog today will explain is what I’ve been facing lately.

So where do I begin with my scrambled brain full of mixed thoughts. My mind feels like a omlet of events that have occurred. To begin a relationship, that meant the world to me has ended. It’s been the hardest thing for me to face because I love him and thought he was “the one.” Which has been the first time I felt that way about anyone. Usually the ending of other relationships in the past have felt right but this one is very different. It doesn’t feel right or fair. It has been shattering me. We were together for two years and he means the world to me. I’m not going to share the long story about the good and the heartbreaking reasons it all ended. I wanted to keep fighting for us and stay together but alas we came to the conclusion we wanted different things from the relationship, in our lives and had to end it. We’re on good terms but the pain in my heart has been difficult. I miss him every day and I miss us. The memories were beautiful, sweet and full of laughs. So I am grateful for them. I’ve been listening to a lot of Adele’s music lately, which I am under debate that is helping more than its adding to the hurt feelings. But for some reason listening to the latest album by Broods has been really therapeutic. I love them, go get Conscious by Broods if you’re dealing with heartbreak. Those lyrics hit home.

Every day I am getting stronger but heart breaks take time, this one will probably take me the longest to recover from which is fine because now is the time to focus on just me.  As cliché as that is, it’s true and very important. It’s how I work, I don’t jump from one relationship into another just like that. I don’t understand how anyone can do that quite honestly but each to their own. Everyone works the way they do when it comes to relationships or whatever you prefer to do in that regard.

I will share this however,  being the actress I am, I have used this pain and shattering heartbreak in my art. My performances in my acting class have really benefited from it. I rocked a monologue from “While You Were Sleeping,” starring Sandra Bullock originally. I was envisioning my ex in a coma and me proclaiming all the loneliness my character feels. For the first time ever in a performance, I broke down and cried. The tears were so real, I could see them glisten in the stage light as they dropped from my face onto my knees. I was shaking, I was hurting and it was one of my best performances to date. I was so glad to have shared it for my class. One of my struggles as an actor is letting that emotion come out in dramatic, heart wrenching scenes. So that was a victory and as my teacher said, I’m putting my pain into my art. I’m learning that really works for me. I also performed a piece I wrote about this relationship and I got to perform that in a show my friend hosts called, “Breaker/Broken: Stories of the Heart.” I intentionally did not invite any friends to it because I wanted to perform it for strangers. The response was amazing and I had many women come up to me and give me hugs saying they have all gone through what I am going through. That was such a very healing experience for me. It wasn’t closure but it definitely finally ushered me into my self strength and reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

The same day of the Breaker/Broken performance I experienced some other heart-break. I work at The Falcon Theatre in Burbank, which is a beautiful theatre owned by Garry Marshall. On that Tuesday last week, I came in to fill in for my coworker’s shift. I was told by my other coworker that I needed to go talk to my boss. Of course my first thought is that I’m getting fired or laid off.   Which wasn’t the case here. She was just informing me of the status of Garry because he was in the hospital and not doing very well. They were waiting on the sad news. I go back to my desk emotional but trying to keep it all together, then I have to go to a talent agent meeting. The meeting is kind of awkward and slightly stressful as they usually are. I still don’t even know if I want to give them a try. Anyways another blog perhaps. Don’t even get me started on my frustrating experiences with talent agents. So after getting back to work after that meeting, I finished my shift but there was a fire by our work and because of the smoke we got sent home early. Then I get ready to head to the Breaker/Broken show and I’m driving on the freeway and I get the call of his passing. The emotions and tears pour out. I think to myself well thank God I’m in a show tonight that is focused on storytelling and heartbreak. I have plenty to work with. So I did. I used the emotions for the loss of my love in the relationship and the loss of my boss who was a legendary film maker and one of the kindest people I have met in the business. Here’s a lovely article written about him and his involvement with his theatre. http://www.americantheatre.org/2016/07/28/garry-marshall-a-life-force-in-the-theatre/

On top of all of this I have been struggling financially. Which quite honestly through my 7 years living in Los Angeles has always been a struggle. It’s part of the life I chose, the dreams I sought to pursue and it has been one of the leading causes of my heart troubles. Yes on top of heart-break I have a heart condition that has been kicking up in full worrisome gear since all of this whirlwind of sorrow has taken place. Since I was 9 years old I have had tachycardia, which is an irregular heart beat that sometimes will beat way faster than it’s suppose to. Imagine just standing in place, not doing any running or physical activity but your heart starts beating profusely as if you have been. That’s how it feels to have what I have. The concern I have had with it in the last half-year is it has been waking me up while I sleep. So I have been getting tests done and wearing a heart monitor for 24 hours. It’s been oodles of fun. My poor person’s health insurance has been a slow process to get the tests approved and now I have been delayed another month to find out the results from the cardiologist.

This was the heart monitor I had to wear for 24 hours. So comfy.

Then my sister’s health has been a concern because she’s been very ill. So that adds to my worries upon sadness. Then my grandma who is 97 years old, was put in a nursing home and hasn’t been doing very well.  She has refused eating or drinking. So we are waiting for her time to pass any day now. So that upon all the other things full of stress and sadness has been going on which makes me conclude that I will just accept the permanent rings under my eyes until better days come. It’s been hard to sleep or eat right but I do try to stay conscious of taking care of myself. I have had some really cool modeling opportunities come up and who knows maybe that talent agent will work out. But the struggle is real for sure. It’s been hard and raw. Everything has been tested and thrown, the rug has been pulled under from me. The world has felt twisted upside down and I don’t mean that in an epic Inception kind of way with that bong sounding music.

What is there left to say but to keep going! I have always been a positive, optimistic person even through the harshest situations. Loss of friends, boyfriends, family, rejection, loneliness, being broke…you name it. I can keep going, I am autonomic. My social life right now is very peaked which is fine. I have a lot I am dealing with and so perhaps turning all of my thoughts towards writing is my answer. It’s obviously making me one hell of a performer. I know this too shall pass and good things are on the way and I deserve good things. I deserve to build myself back up. I deserve to be confident and believe in myself. I deserve to achieve and maybe pull out of so much struggle. This I do know. It’s just really dark and stormy lately and I just have to find my way through it until the storm passes. I am still able to have my moments of silliness. So that is good at least. Solitude and self-reflection are all I need right now. It is what will get me through this, it will help me survive the heart-break and sadness.

 

When I Get Lost…

Life is certainly full of it’s ups and downs. Everyone has them and there really are some things out of our control. Dreams can seem like they drift away in water, away from our own reflection of ourselves. There is always a moment whether brief or an entire tidal wave of feeling lost.

I drift into those feelings sometimes, I am riding the tides of it as I write this blog. I keep my sunshine personality glowing full of inspiration and looking back at how far I have come. However it’s so easy to feel like everyone around you is going through life, changing, evolving into such amazing adult lives. Signing contracts to buy a home, getting married, having families and steady, promising careers. Meanwhile I continue to live for this dream. Struggle for this dream, pursue, scrape and get by for this dream. I don’t have a house, I live in a SAP (Struggling Actor’s Pad), a studio apartment in probably one of the noisiest and busiest apartment buildings in the valley. My neighbors have like five kids so even rehearsing lines or trying to self tape an audition can be a frustration because of all the noise. I don’t have a husband or kids. Not that I really want that right now, really I mean I go back and forth all the time. I’m fine with my cat…and two turtles, ha ha. I do have a wonderful, caring, goofy boyfriend who I’ve been with for two years. I think it’s too early to tell for us where our lives are going together.   I always do like to envision my future; me living in a nice house in the country surrounded by animals. That’s how I want to “settle” down. I want to rescue dogs, cats, rabbits, goats, pigs and chickens. I just want to have my own personal self serving Karah Ranch, with a successful acting career! A menagerie of mammal friends.   But in the mean time I have to stick to my SAP, scraping by with random part time jobs and always wondering where my career is going…so sometimes I get lost. Don’t we all at times?

When I first stumbled onto this dream and passion to be an actress, I thought I had it all figured out and what I would do to make it happen. I knew I was going to have to work hard and was frequently warned by acting coaches how much I would struggle. How struggling really was part of the pursuit. The part I was not prepared for is the time warp you get put through. How it feels like you aren’t really getting  anywhere or anything is changing in your life but everyone else around you is and aging in the process. Every time I go back and visit my family in Colorado it all is different. My parents look much older, my home town is always changing. Even old photographs from high school are starting to warp and fade…they’re starting to age! I just feel lost and confused at where the time has gone. I feel I am still in my 20’s not my early 30’s. I haven’t had any change, therefore I haven’t changed. Or at least that is how I feel but I’m sure in many ways I have changed as I too have grown up. I’ve gone through a bunch. That is for sure, I could write a book about it. Ups and downs. Good and bad. I guess that’s what life is all about right?

I keep feeling like I am getting closer and closer to my shift of change. Of something progressing but it really get’s hard sometimes and it’s very easy to lose sight of it. I start to feel like a lost piece buried in the sand. Like a carrot on a fishing pole is being dangled in front of my face but as I reach to take a bite it get’s pulled away. And I just feel like a disappointed ass.

So what’s my ritual to get through these funks you may ask? Listen to music I love and watch shows I adore. I Love Lucy reruns anyone? Hang out with friends, go to the beach, read, play with my cat Jack, write…the list can go on. I do believe in myself, I do still love this dream, I wouldn’t change that for the world. I just sometimes have to stand still and think, re-inspire myself to help keep me going. We all get lost sometimes. Maybe we have to get lost to find ourselves. It’s all part of our journey and it shapes our character, who we are. I hope this inspires you, dear reader, or whomever is taking the time to read this,  that it’s okay if your life is at a stand still, it’s okay to have a moment where things aren’t going right. Just love yourself, do what makes you happy and give yourself a break. I don’t believe the meaning of our lives does not involve taking the time for ourselves . We’re suppose to constantly change and evolve. Give yourself time and just be. Maybe that change I’m looking for is just around the corner but I have to go through all of this to truly appreciate it when it happens.

Cut. It. Out!

We’ve become such a society full of “should monsters.” Telling you what you should eat. What you should do with your body and how it should look. Who you should vote for, how to live your life, how you should be pursuing your career, you should get married and etc. I find the people who spend so much of their time telling you what you “should” be doing with your life, need to focus their time more on what they need to be doing with theirs. You do what you have to do for you, …don’t should on yourself and tell those people to should off!

I deal with the know it alls and the one uppers all the time. I consider myself a very nice and patient person. That seems to go hand in hand with people trying to push over you or tell you what to do. Maybe it is spending so much time on my own self reflection and focusing on boosting up my self esteem again that I’ve come to notice this negativity. Of course the world does seem to have so much negativity in the head lines.

When you’re a sunshine personality it’s easy to feel like a wilted flower. I also soak up my atmosphere like a sponge. I believe that’s called emotional contagion.

As I get older and especially once I hit my 30’s I have noticed I steer away from friends who start to become acquaintances because I need to keep positive people in my life. In the last year when I was going through some things, especially financially. What can I say I am always struggling with money, I’m a broke actor! I lost a friend over a situation that was quite ridiculous. I’ll blog about it one day when the wounds are more healed. At first I was hurt by her deciding I was not worthy to be in her life any longer but then I started to realize how she was disappearing from mine to begin with and to be quite frank she was not the most positive person to be friends with as I had thought.  It really was good for me to step back and come to the conclusion that this friendship ending was unfortunate for its circumstances but in the end something I needed to have happen. I learned a ton from it and her. There is definitely great memories we shared together but alas we shall go our own ways now. I am sure we will run into each other again some day. I will be civil, classy  and kind.

Another thing I have experienced when it comes to cutting out negative people is the ones who think  they have all the answers and your thoughts are ridiculous.The one uppers, know it alls and should havers are usually my peers, especially in the entertainment business. Man is this biz full of them. I don’t know why they make me cringe, maybe because some put you down like you know nothing. I never treat people this way and it goes against everything I believe in. If anyone came to me for advice I do feel I would have some wise answers whether it be about pursuing acting or just on life in general. I’ve got a decent head on my shoulders. I definitely wouldn’t think I have all the answers and am some kind of expert. No way! I’m always learning  from myself and making mistakes. There also isn’t one way to go about any of it.

So in conclusion here is what I say when it comes to dealing with these kind of negative people in your life. Focus on you, what makes you happy. Do what you have to do for you. If it offends a friend because they aren’t getting what they want out of it. Let them go. If some one makes you cringe because you disagree with their approach towards you or anything you are working on, distance yourself or cut them out. Life is too short to let those folks break you down and your time is precious. Do what you have to do for you! Just like goofy Uncle Joey on Full House use to say, ” Cut. It. Out.”

 

 

Cabin Fever in The Box Office

Saturday  Nov. 28, 2015 2:32 P.M. at The Falcon Theatre Box Office in Burbank, CA

The green leaves are rustling outside of the box office window on this bristly fall Saturday morning. I Karah Kathleen Britton am sitting in the Falcon Theatre Box Office, working another 6 hour shift to make my ends meet. Yes my middle name also starts with a K and if I had a last name that started with a K my initials would match the abbreviation of a supremacy group of horrible people. Thankfully it’s not, so we don’t, meaning I don’t have to worry about such things.

Anyways back to my descriptions, while staring blankly out the box office window, while other people are having their brunches and mimosas. You assclowns, how dare you enjoy your day off while some of us have to work to make ends meet.  What does that even really mean? Ends meet. Is it where the meet ends or where the meat ends? I’m trying to become a vegetarian slowly so I will just vote for ends meet instead of meat because I love animals. Just trying to make a living you all!

As I continue to stare out the window spying through the medal bars of the theatre’s gates I see him staring at me. Gasp! Those big shiny eyes, just beaming at me  with the most innocent but evil smirk I could ever see. Holding up high in the sky like a fist but instead is a plate with a giant hamburger. You!!! You, Bob’s Big Boy dare challenge me to a staring contest?!?!? Challenge accepted you plastic haired shorty!

It continues I glare at him as he keeps the same stupid expression on his face. Of course he would. He even shows off by taking pictures and selfies with tourists while continuing to stare at me across the street. Evil I tell ya, this guy is pure, creepy, Chucky doll like evil. I bet he would even make Chucky piss his pants, if Chucky had such organs to do so. I continue to stare. Eyebrows furrowed, eyebrows raise. Side stare right, side stare left. Up and down. Sunset Boulevard, Gloria Swanson, “Alright Mr. Demille,  I’m ready for my close up” stare. Or creepy Hannibal from Silence of the Lambs fava beans and chianti, Anthony Hopkins stare. In case you’re wondering I am typing while giving these faces along with my greatest weapon my resting Bambi face staring back at Bob across the street. Egads, I can start to feel my eyes water up, I can feel my face twitching and contorting. My eye lids desperately wanting to blink at this son of a Hamburger Mary! I can’t let him win, I mustn’t. I ….ca….can’t I need to blink so bad. Gah to have big eyes is a blessing and a curse. How does he do it?  I am going to lose! I ….lost. Like Mr. Snuffleupugus from Sesame Street, I need to blink my big eye lashes and it is such a relief. No need for Ben Stein to talk about my itchy dry eyes in his monotoned voice, Bueller? Bueller? Sweet relief for the KB blues.

Fine Bob, you won this round but next time I challenge you the tables will turn. Why are you still giving me that evil grin and blank side ways stare? How do you not have guns holding up that ridiculous hamburger all the time? I hate you Bob! Stop it! Where is my Wilson volleyball friend to throw at your face?!?

Oh thank goodness, the house manager has just put up a poster for the upcoming show to block my view of Bob’s Big Boy across the street. I am saved! Clearly I have been cooped up in this box office far too long.

 

Let It Be

Warning: This blog is not all happy, flowery or adorable except maybe the picture at the end. It is just a raw post I felt like getting out. Probably a scratch on the surface if anything.

I’ve been working on myself lately. That sounds like some kind of soul searching mumbo jumbo hippie dippie like bull shiza lu lu. But I really have. I’m on a break from being an actor for the time being and I’m not ashamed to admit due to some self esteem issues that have crippled my happiness in my own skin I have been going to therapy once a week for it. Thank goodness there are places that will see you and work with a low income. This year has admittedly driven me to insanity with a mix of professional pursuit turmoil and a friendship ending that bummed me out. Perhaps I will write a blog about that later when I find it appropriate but right now the hurt wounds for both parties are still raw. I guess. Anyways I’m a lost duck. Quite truthfully. I keep trying to focus on me and doing things that make me happy but then I trail back into thinking about submitting myself for roles, writing something for me, bringing my Monique character on stage to rant, writing in general like this blog of jargon.

I guess it’s hard to take a break from something I have worked hard for since I was 12 but then again my approach over the years to it has intensified with pressures of getting representation then trying to stay productive and keep that representation happy, then lose said representation in the same week which really killed me inside confidence wise.  Mean while on top of that I have been grilling myself with an inner cruel voice telling me I am not doing enough. It’s become my critic and it’s a mean little booger. I seem to be cheerful most of the time until an unexpected bill comes in that throws me for a loop or I see a friend doing extremely well but I am just stuck here in the dirt of my own emotion. It’s not something I want to dwell on but sometimes I can only hide behind this smile for so long. Of course I’m always so happy for the friend doing well it’s just hard for anyone going through some personal sadness inside and everyone else around you seems to be rocking their own world and taking off. I’m trying to look at this as the time for me to reinvent myself, I even got a swanky new hair cut and will be having new photos of said look very soon.

Maybe the point of this blog is not only to get a little personal venting out but also to anyone who stumbles across this sappy blog with similar struggles of self esteem and self criticism in your own goals and dreams to just know you’re not alone and it will be just fine. Probably better than how many “ands” I used in that last run on sentence.

I have so many blessings in my life that I reflect on every day that takes away from my shadowed thoughts. I have a wonderful supportive mom who I talk to almost every day. She is my pep coach, my rock and even though she is going through her own struggles with helping my grandma who’s in need to this day, she still takes the time to listen to me when I am having a hard time. I am pretty sure it pains her a little that things don’t seem to go smoothly for me, especially lately. Hopefully I can get that all back and running soon. My boyfriend has also been a wonderful supporter, he knows what I am going through and how messed up this biz can be to a person. So his love, back rubs and support along with making me laugh has really been fantastic. I know I have a lot going on for me and I know I can get back to being my self again without feeling so confused, lost and not good enough.

As for the friend who I lost touch with over things that got petty and ridiculous. I don’t know, I am saddened by that too but you have to look out for yourself sometimes. I wish that person all the best and I do all I can to think more peacefully about the situation being over now instead of letting my Scottish/Choctaw/Irish kick through and say something sassy about it. I want to be more at peace with everything, life is too short to be a bitter person.  Let everything for the moment just be. I will do my best to take this time and ….you guessed it let it be.

Creative Ashes

I’m working on getting myself to write more. In fact I am trying to get more creative lately and let all my ideas flow. This poor blog of mine however has been neglected as far as posting goes. So I am going to work on that and not sensor myself when it comes to writing. Here’s what’s been going on with me to explain it. I am in a bit of a lost state as an actor and artist. This year has been up and down for me not only in my career pursuits but my health as well. I mean I started the year off with the stomach flu for crying out loud! Instead of kissing my handsome boyfriend at midnight on New Year’s my face was in the porcelain bowl. It was awful and I have caught every cold and virus imaginable. One virus lasted longer than three weeks and I went through the Z-pak which usually kicks whatever ailment’s ass I have but this time around it didn’t. I had to use an antibiotic that I can’t remember it’s name but googling  it informed me that doctor’s usually use this medication to give to people who have been exposed to anthrax! Needless to say I have been very sickly quite a bit so far in 2015. It put me behind in my work and career checklists I constantly have for myself. It also made me realize I have put way too much pressure on myself to the point of running ragged and making me very sick. So yes being sick has probably been a good portion of my own fault for not taking care of myself properly.

So once I was getting into some kind of good health status I started back to working hard on my acting and getting the personal  ”assignments” done. Here’s the situation I went through recently to add to my complications. I signed with an agent  early on in the year. My manager lined up this meeting and I was thrilled because quite honestly the agent search has been one of my biggest obstacles since moving out here! It has not been easy. I’ve spent so much money in my past on printing head shots, writing cover letters, postage, envelopes, and constantly getting new head shots done for the agents I happened to meet with but they just didn’t like how those looked but wouldn’t sign me. It has been a never ending expensive battle. So when I finally get signed with this one I take the plunge. Turns out this agent was not good for me. I found myself getting very stressed with all the urgent tasks, his emails were worded so aggressively. Yes I know most agents are assholes, they have to be I imagine when hustling and getting talent work. This guy though was your true definition of the typical L.A. deuche nugget.  I noticed the stress from this guy on top of my own expectations of myself started to effect my health to the point of getting my heart’s irregular beat going. I had a scare where my left hand swelled and was numb. After getting an EKG done by my doctor and everything turned out fine I started to think to myself is this all worth it? This biz is going to kill me or this chaotic approach to it will. The last straw for me was when I received an email asking me to send him a video of me twerking because there is a part in a music video that I am perfect for. A) I’m not a dancer, I took a hip hop class in high school and modern dance in college. Usually if I was cast in a musical I would have to work harder than anyone else just to get the steps down finally so no I’m not what you would call a dancer type. B) Even if I were a dancer type, I am most certainly NOT a twerking type. I don’t even know how to do any of that and it is gross to me. I personally find it degrading and thank you a lot Miley and WWF like Divas for making that a thing now. So needless to say I decided we’re done here. I wasn’t getting work from this guy and there was not going to be a twerking video. So I decided I am going to end our professional agent/ talent relationship it’s not a good match for obvious reasons. My manager agreed and told me to no longer make contact with him until of course the three months passed and I could fire him. He didn’t see marketing me the way my manager and I saw me.  The same week I fire my agent my manager and I reach our 2nd year of our contract. He decides he hasn’t been able to do anything for me so he is letting me go and allowing me to find someone who will. Of course it ends on good terms which is great but I admittedly was bummed because he was a great manager and I was thrilled to find someone in this business who finally get’s my type, brand and doesn’t try to make me someone I’m not. Like Twerker Girl! So in the same week I fired my agent I lost my manager. I am officially, once again not represented by anybody. I took this hard, as one would. I mean I’m an optimistic, positive person but I really felt defeated at this point. I know I’m not now but at that moment I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me and I kept thinking, “now what do I do?” I haven’t done stand-up in months because quite honestly, I don’t feel funny or like trying to be funny right now . I was feeling down and depressed. My happy goofy self with light in her heart was dealing with more of a very dim glow inside. I actually looked at the other people I knew who quit the biz or never got into it. The ones that have the normal lives with a husband, kids, the nice house. The 9-5 job, which I still debate about getting. I can’t let go of my dream though. I just can’t, it’s all I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid. I have been very hard on myself and it wasn’t until my wonderful boyfriend brought up the only thing I do that hurts him was how mean I am to myself. It’s completely true. I was and always have been my own worst critic. My self esteem has always been an issue with me but once again it’s come up to a really bad point and I need to fix me first before I fix my career situation. So that’s what I am doing. I haven’t done much of anything involving acting right now except maybe a self submission here and there. I give myself permission to take a break right now. I think I need it for my sanity. I started therapy too. I never thought I would be the person to need therapy but after all I have been through I decided I needed help or someone to talk to that wasn’t a friend, boyfriend or family member. It can be so upsetting to be so upset to your loved ones. I needed someone to help me look at things I am dealing with and guide me in a direction to figure out how to not be so hard on myself and get my self esteem back up. I need to get my strength up before I go back into the challenges of this business. My first session was this past Monday and I feel pretty good about it. Since my therapist use to be a producer in the movies. Kind of a perfect match I think, she’ll certainly understand all the crap I go through. I’m not going to share all my therapy sessions on here but I hope to blog progressively and find the fire to my passion reignited. I need to get back to enjoying my life again. It’s too short to sweat it out over “making it” and I need to figure out what that really means to me. This is my new journey and I have a long ways to go but I hope to figure it all out.

The point of this blog is to express to myself and anyone else going through something similar in their own life, that it is okay to take a break, take a moment to be a person and just live. That’s really what I should be doing anyways. The other pursuits doing well for me should be bonus. I need to focus on having fun, living life and just loving every day I get the opportunity to be alive. It’s absolutely hard not to focus so much on the struggles and failures. Yes some of those are the fuel to help light the fire. But traveling to a beach I haven’t been to with the love of my life sounds way more fun than kicking my own ass over not having an agent already. Every time I’ve approached this dream like a whatever thing I seem to do better. When I buckle down and put so much pressure on myself to do this, then this and then that. It takes the fun away, I seem to crash down more and makes me not enjoy pursuing it. This is how I approached college, casually studying and not fretting over it. My grades were always better when I didn’t stress.  So now I know how I’m suppose to approach it for me. After all the important thing is that you are happy right? The pursuit of happiness that is what we all are striving for. Whatever that is for people varies but I know for me it involves balance and living. I know it won’t be long before this phoenix rises from ashes for which I fell. The creative ashes that is.

They Can’t Take This Away

Sometimes I get burnt out, a little lost and I think dang this industry is going to chew me up and spit me out. Then I reflect on what I’ve accomplished and achieved. They can’t take that away, I have created characters and had so much fun doing so whether as a role in a film or photo project or in my own stand-up. That can’t be taken away and that is something I can have all to myself, that make…s me unique. I follow my heart with everything in life or creatively. I feel happy with that no matter what the future holds.  Keep on keeping on and creating is my future and I’m not going anywhere! We’re all artists in our own right stay true to you and follow your heart in it. I truly believe in all of this.