Warning: This blog is not all happy, flowery or adorable except maybe the picture at the end. It is just a raw post I felt like getting out. Probably a scratch on the surface if anything.
I’ve been working on myself lately. That sounds like some kind of soul searching mumbo jumbo hippie dippie like bull shiza lu lu. But I really have. I’m on a break from being an actor for the time being and I’m not ashamed to admit due to some self esteem issues that have crippled my happiness in my own skin I have been going to therapy once a week for it. Thank goodness there are places that will see you and work with a low income. This year has admittedly driven me to insanity with a mix of professional pursuit turmoil and a friendship ending that bummed me out. Perhaps I will write a blog about that later when I find it appropriate but right now the hurt wounds for both parties are still raw. I guess. Anyways I’m a lost duck. Quite truthfully. I keep trying to focus on me and doing things that make me happy but then I trail back into thinking about submitting myself for roles, writing something for me, bringing my Monique character on stage to rant, writing in general like this blog of jargon.
I guess it’s hard to take a break from something I have worked hard for since I was 12 but then again my approach over the years to it has intensified with pressures of getting representation then trying to stay productive and keep that representation happy, then lose said representation in the same week which really killed me inside confidence wise. Mean while on top of that I have been grilling myself with an inner cruel voice telling me I am not doing enough. It’s become my critic and it’s a mean little booger. I seem to be cheerful most of the time until an unexpected bill comes in that throws me for a loop or I see a friend doing extremely well but I am just stuck here in the dirt of my own emotion. It’s not something I want to dwell on but sometimes I can only hide behind this smile for so long. Of course I’m always so happy for the friend doing well it’s just hard for anyone going through some personal sadness inside and everyone else around you seems to be rocking their own world and taking off. I’m trying to look at this as the time for me to reinvent myself, I even got a swanky new hair cut and will be having new photos of said look very soon.
Maybe the point of this blog is not only to get a little personal venting out but also to anyone who stumbles across this sappy blog with similar struggles of self esteem and self criticism in your own goals and dreams to just know you’re not alone and it will be just fine. Probably better than how many “ands” I used in that last run on sentence.
I have so many blessings in my life that I reflect on every day that takes away from my shadowed thoughts. I have a wonderful supportive mom who I talk to almost every day. She is my pep coach, my rock and even though she is going through her own struggles with helping my grandma who’s in need to this day, she still takes the time to listen to me when I am having a hard time. I am pretty sure it pains her a little that things don’t seem to go smoothly for me, especially lately. Hopefully I can get that all back and running soon. My boyfriend has also been a wonderful supporter, he knows what I am going through and how messed up this biz can be to a person. So his love, back rubs and support along with making me laugh has really been fantastic. I know I have a lot going on for me and I know I can get back to being my self again without feeling so confused, lost and not good enough.
As for the friend who I lost touch with over things that got petty and ridiculous. I don’t know, I am saddened by that too but you have to look out for yourself sometimes. I wish that person all the best and I do all I can to think more peacefully about the situation being over now instead of letting my Scottish/Choctaw/Irish kick through and say something sassy about it. I want to be more at peace with everything, life is too short to be a bitter person. Let everything for the moment just be. I will do my best to take this time and ….you guessed it let it be. 
A Mute Whispers 